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Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places: Episode 5

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He turned up in a scruffy t-shirt, unshaven, reeking of fags. His hair was well past his ears and looked, frankly, ridiculous. Welcome to the world of Fab Swingers. Last week I decided to go back to my spiritual home and logged into a site I hadn’t used for nearly a decade. Back in 2006-2009 I was a regular there and remembered having some good times with a handful of handsome, kinky men. Having zipped through Craigslist and Plenty of Fish in a couple of weeks, going on ‘Fab’ (as it’s known by its regulars) seemed the logical next step on my journey to find love in all the wrong places.

How wrong could wrong be? I was about to find out. Find love? I’d be surprised if anyone on Fab even gets laid, which surely is the point of a swinging site. Never have I seen so many disembodied penises in one place. I like a nicely shaped penis just as much as any straight woman but I’ve always preferred them attached to a body and a brain. These are penises seemingly without owners. Shaved penises. Circumcised ones. Penises that are curved and others that are long and straight. If you’re ever in a situation where you’re being asked to prove that not all penises have been created equal, you only need search by men on Fab. But where were the faces and bodies to accompany them? And why, for heaven’s sake, were the few profile pics on the site so, damn small? At my age, it’s hard enough to make out the features of a man on a 3”x5” print; never mind one that is just over an inch square.

The eternal optimist, I decided to give the site a go anyway. My heart was not really in it but the guy I arranged to meet lived within walking distance and, if you’ve learned anything about me by now, it’s that I don’t drive. Steve (not his real name) was bisexual, had a stall on Portobello and dabbled in photography. He also held a weekly swinging party at his house and Fab being a sort of Yelp for swingers, had reviews to prove it. ‘His blowjob was a bit lackluster,’ read one. ‘Must try harder next time.’ I’d seen his picture but it was so small and so blurry, he could have been a George Clooney look-a-like and I wouldn’t have been able to tell.

The meet was a disaster. We had very little in common and the tobacco smell wafting around my nose didn’t help either. When he complained about the price of the prosecco, “£7? Now I know why I don’t come here very often,” I knew we were going nowhere fast. Within 30 minutes I was out the door of the pub, having made an emergency call to a girlfriend. Within the hour, I was comfortably settled next to her in a comfy armchair at Picturehouse Central watching the real George Clooney on a big screen where I could make out all his lovely wrinkles and was feeling far better for it. When I got home I quickly deleted my profile off Fab. Enough of that nonsense!

It hasn’t been all bad. I did have a very nice time with a Tinder guy just recently. If I’m honest with myself, while he may not be perfect, he does tick the sexy, smart and fun boxes. Being a woman of discretion (hah!), I am not saying more than that. 😉 Sayonara for now and hope to see some of you at the Advantages of Age Launch party on the 23rd June! Click here for a FREE ticket. It’s going to be a good night.

About Suzanne Portnoy

Suzanne Portnoy is the author of the best-selling explicit memoir The Butcher, The Baker, the Candlestick Maker: An Erotic Memoir (Random House, 2006), The Not-So-Invisible Woman (Random House, 2008) and the play Looser Women, which was performed in 2011 at the Edinburgh Festival.

The book charts her journey through a sexually liberated youth, largely sexless marriage then divorce and pursuit of a lifestyle of multiple partners, group sex, loss of someone close and being mother to two children. Parallels can perhaps be drawn with The Sexual Life of Catherine M., at least in terms of its honest approach and graphic detail.

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