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Every day, In Every Way, It’s Getting Better and Better and Better

6 Minute Read

Sex gets better with age. Hi, I’m Nicola Foster, as  Sex and Relationship therapist I spend my working days talking about sex. I’m fortunate to have such privileged, inside insight into peoples’ sex lives. Of course, it’s a subject I’m hugely passionate about. I’m sharing here 10 of the reasons why I think that making love is something that only improves as we get older. (I had to stop and 10, I could probably get to 100!)

10 reasons sex gets better with age

One – Becoming less self-conscious

The chances are that neither of you has the firm, springy, glowing body of your youth (if you even had one!). Now, we’re older, it’s bonding to share self-consciousness about our bulges, bumps and scars. They tell the story of our life. By now you’ve also probably figured out strategies for feeling less concerned – soft lighting and candlelight do wonders don’t they?. One of my favourite techniques with a new lover is to keep a silky sarong, or soft blanket to hand to drape over myself if I feel too exposed. (Top tip: these also come in handy to caress the skin of your beloved later).

Two – Better at loving touch

If you’ve had some variety of sexual encounters over the decades, you’ve most likely learned a few different ways to touch and be touched. And you may have become more generous in giving touch so that your partner can relax and enjoy. If you’ve been alone for a while – now is the time to be curious and experimental. What does your partner like? soft, firm, slow, hard, and where? Get talking about what you like in the first stages of your arousal and what works better for you when you are more turned on? Now that I’m older I understand that each person’s body (and genitals) are completely different and they like very different things. I offer a free guide to Types of touch – get a copy here:

Three – More skills

More time on the planet means that we have had the chance to discover that lovemaking isn’t only what comes naturally (although that’s wonderful!) There are many skills and techniques we can develop from doing some research and reading about how pleasure works. Check out OMGYes, Layla May and The Wheel of Consent for ideas on how to increase your own pleasure.

Four – Saying ‘no’

Many of us when we’re young, get good at ‘going along with’, with being people pleasers. With maturity (and some tough knocks) we can get better at being able to say, no. “No, I don’t like that, but could you try this?”  No is such a powerful sexual word!

Five – Saying ‘yes’

Yes, Yes, Yes. When we give our partner enthusiastic consent for what they are doing, they can relax into enjoying what they are doing more, and, hopefully, in return, we get more of what we like.

It’s a great sadness to me when I speak to young women about sex, many of them tell me they don’t say anything during sex. They don’t make any noises or use any words. ‘Good girl’ conditioning has led to a fear of being seen as too slutty or ‘forward’. It’s one of the best aspects of my job, dismantling this conditioning and encouraging more verbal enthusiasm for the innocence and joy of enjoying and loving our bodies’ responses to being touched. I hope that us older folks are more willing to let out an enthusiastic ‘hell yeah’ in bed!

Six – Deeper connection.

Often in our younger years, there’s an over-emphasis on performance. On wanting to be seen as a good lover. Wanting to get it ‘right’. Fear of getting it ‘wrong’.

  • Am I orgasmic enough?
    Am I  hard enough?

  • Am I wet enough?

  • Was it long enough?

One advantage of age is that we can discover that sex is much less about performing and much more about connecting and communicating. It’s a way of offering a loving presence to the person we’re with. We can let go of the emphasis on orgasm or a goal, and simply be with what is. What a relief, huh?

Seven – Getting experimental

If you held down a responsible job, could you have been fired for risque behaviour outside of the office? Now post-retirement, it’s the perfect time to try something wilder, kinkier, sillier, more taboo. A swingers event? A kink munch meetup? A  tantra workshop? Safe in the knowledge that no one from work is going to be there and you’re not going to find yourself the subject of office gossip.

Eight – Slowing down

I’ve learned as I’ve aged and now have health issues that I need to attend to my energy levels. By the end of the working day, I’m usually pretty tired. For me. if I want to enjoy sex it needs to be during the day. I use a food metaphor when talking to clients. If you want a full three-course meal version of sex – you need to set aside a really proper amount of time for that. A whole day is a wonderful thing to do. But, a little snack size taste of sexuality can be enjoyed during the week. A 15-minute window here and there. Maybe cuddle with some caresses and touch? Some gentle genital touch in the morning? Eye gazing and fantasizing? There’s a whole smorgasbord of play that can be enjoyed in snack-size portions.

Nine –  acceptance of illness.

Many, many of us contend with some level of illness that affects sexual interest and energy levels.  As we get older, we learn we need to work with and adapt to the individual and unique differences in how our bodies can move or respond.  Can we get curious and creative about what we can do, rather than focusing on what we can’t do? With warmth and humour it’s possible to avoid the vicious circle that so many couples get into. Check out the Netflix TV show the  ‘Kominsky Method’ on NetFlix for some fantastic characters enjoying a sex life in thier seventies and eighties.

Ten – New possibilities.

Rather than seeing long-term, committed sex as mundane and monotonous – the couples who have most satisfaction see it as a voyage of discovery. Each sexual experience is like a snowflake, no two are the same. There are infinite varieties of the kinds of sex, power dynamics, toys and intimacy that we can combine. When we remain optimistic, there are always new discoveries to be made. Many older men find that their genitals are more sensitive and erogenous in the soft state. Some discover that it’s actually possible to enjoy a full-body orgasm, without ever having an erection. Check out the author Gina Ogden, ‘The Return of Desire’ on womens’ sexuality in later life.

I personally find this curiosity-based approach to exploring what’s possible endlessly fascinating. There’s a freedom in having escaped the ‘shoulds’ of societal norms and knowing our bodies so much better. What can you discover about yourself as a sexual being at 50? 60? 70? 80?. For more inspiration, I highly recommend Jack Morin’s classic book ‘The Erotic Mind’. It’s a great way to explore your sexual blueprint more deeply. We’re only just getting started! Keep in touch with me on my blog  or podcast

AofA People: Ella LeBlanc – Exotic Dancer

1 Minute Read

Ella LeBlanc says, “I am an exotic dancer, I just started dancing professionally a little over a year ago. Plus I am a part of the Sex Positive Portland Community which is a local community and is a part of the larger Sex-Positive World Community. In this community, we are of a like mind that believes that sex should be normalized and the stigmas and shame around it should be dropped and discussions around sexuality should be a lot less taboo. I consider myself a sexuality advocate and activist, I have been blogging and writing about sexuality, sensuality and creating intimacy since 2012 and I am a facilitator of sex-positive events and classes.”


Portland, Oregon




It’s really interesting because I can’t believe that I am almost 50, I will be 50 in June! It’s funny because when you are younger you can’t seem to wait to grow up and then when you become an adult you wish you were a kid again, I know it sounds so cliche’ but it really is so true. I think it is great to be almost 50, I have girls half my age telling me, “I want to be you when I grow up!” I got to meet the SuicideGirls when they came to Portland last June for their Black Heart Burlesque Show and I was dressed very elegant and they fawned all over me and then they asked me what I did for a living I told them that I was a dancer and that I was almost 50 and they went wild over that, they told me I was such an awesome inspiration and role model to them (I was tickled pink to think that I inspired the SuicideGirls)! One of the girls was actually from Portland and got her start in dancing at the same club I started dancing at which is the Kit Kat Club which is a burlesque style strip club.


Confidence, a sense of direction and purpose. I have done a lot of personal growth work around finding my purpose and I wish I started out a lot sooner on this path of figuring it all out but I believe everything happens the way it does for a reason.


As often and as much as possible! I am sure you have gathered by now that sexuality and sensuality is a big thing in my life and it is very true it really is. I had so much shame regarding sexuality for most of my life that I decided to let go of the shame and to fully embrace being a sexual and sensual human being. I went through a sexual awakening several years ago where I full allowed myself to explore whatever I wanted without fear or shame.


I consider myself a relationship anarchist which is the belief that relationships should not be bound by rules aside from what the people involved mutually agree upon. If a relationship anarchist has multiple intimate partners, it might be considered as a form of polyamory, but distinguishes itself by postulating that there need not be a formal distinction between sexual, romantic, or platonic relationships.

Relationship anarchists look at each relationship (romantic or otherwise) individually, as opposed to categorizing them according to societal norms such as ‘just friends’, ‘in a relationship’, or ‘in an open relationship’.


I feel pretty free for the most part, it also helps that I have been doing personal growth work for many years now which is very helpful with letting go of the old baggage in life and dropping the many masks that I have worn over the years and being able to truly be my authentic self more and more every day which is very freeing.


That even though I had been through four decades of abusive relationships and situations in my life, I was able to break through that cycle of abuse, to step away from the victim stories and turn my mess into my message and a mission, then in turn help other’s with my own personal message/mission.


Being a part of the sex-positive community keeps me inspired along with all of the spiritual leaders I have had the opportunity to connect and meet online, along with many of the women’s groups that I am a part of. I love to hang out with strong like-minded people, especially women.


I am happiest when the sun is shining and it is warm out. I love the sun and being outdoors, adventures in the woods, hiking, road trips, travelling, cities, countrysides, beaches, mountains, forests, oceans, rivers, streams and seeing new places. I love all of it.


My creativity goes into my blog and writing, creating and teaching classes, creating new events, storytelling events and my dancing. I love being on stage and I love performing.


Life is just a big adventure, I believe that a person should live life to the fullest each and everyday.


I have no fear of dying, I never have even from a very young age, it is something that happens to all of us sooner or later and it’s better to just embrace it rather than to be afraid of it and try to run from it because there is no stopping it.


Yes, absolutely I am still dreaming! I have big huge dreams and goals, it is all so exciting.


Telling a personal and true story about sexuality in front of an audience of 400 people at The Mystery Box Show (this is actually the second time I had been on the show). This is a live storytelling event here in Portland Oregon, this show is a night of sexy storytelling which happens every other month in front of a live audience, there are 5 storytellers in a night and the hosts of the show work with us on helping us polish and perfect our stories to get us and our stories ready for the stage. Sometimes it takes weeks to get a story ready but it is so worth it. It is a very vulnerable yet exhilarating thing to be able to bare your soul and stand up on stage in front of hundreds of people and telling a personal story about your own sexuality, it is actually both scary and liberating at the same time (scary when you are up on stage wondering what are people going to think yet liberating when you are all done when people are congratulating you letting you know what a great job you did and how they can relate).

Men, Sex and Vulnerability

1 Minute Read

I spent time interviewing men and women about first sexual experiences a while back. I’d decided to explore recent British history, but told via the prism of people’s virginity loss tales. Because history is more intriguing when it’s wrapped around a story. Especially, let’s face it, a sex story.

A lot made my eyes pop as I set off on this weird journey. My elderly interviewees, in particular, stopped me in my tracks. Put your Victorian ideas about that generation to bed. They had sex, a lot of it, and in a variety of different ways.

But mainly my socks were knocked off by the male population.

Who knew that men like to talk so much? I thought I’d have to work harder to get them onboard but no. They sang like canaries. Guys of all ages were touchingly candid about vulnerability, rejection, shame, and more heartfelt romance than I’d anticipated. I held their stories in my hands like little birds. It felt like a big deal, to hear them.

On a personal level, I can’t deny this was a backstage pass that would have been useful in my youth. It was so…illuminating. On a global level, it felt like something bigger was shifting. Those men were taking the opportunity to sit opposite a woman and explore the way they feel in a world that doesn’t always find the vulnerability of men comfortable. Men embracing their feminine sides has entered common parlance. It’s a thing. But whether we are conscious of it or not, whether the question is explicit or not, we still ask men to be what is traditionally deemed ‘masculine’. To emulate the qualities of a bygone generation of men. Be strong and silent. Man up. Keep your innards to yourself.

No prizes for guessing, this isn’t the easiest way to live.

As if to illustrate the contradiction, here is a quote from the wife of one of my interviewees, right after they lost their anal virginity together*, with him as the receiver (*people interpreted the idea of virginity loss in ways that felt meaningful to them).

He said she’d told him in half-mocking tones that ‘she felt surprised at how easily I’d let her do what she was doing to me and in a way had lost some respect for me. I nodded. I was surprised by that too and a little angry. After all, I’d just done what she wanted me to…’

‘I don’t feel sorry for men a female friend said recently as we discussed evolving gender roles. ‘Men have had things their own way for long enough’. This is true. I feel the pain of my mother’s generation in my gut, on a daily basis. My mother had no agency whatsoever in her first marriage. She couldn’t open a bank account and her GP never asked questions about her bruises. Each time I read a news story about a woman in India being murdered on a bus for going out with a man she is not married to, a piece of me breaks and I wonder why the entire world isn’t up in arms about the plight of women.

But taking a raw journey into the minds of men and examining the secrets they hold onto in the name of Being A Man allowed conflicting sets of thoughts to nod their heads and acknowledge each other’s existence. It turns out that ‘welcome to my world’ can co-exist alongside ‘holy shit’, because it’s not about not feeling sorry for men. It’s that there is value in recognizing it’s difficult for all of us, male and female, as we figure out where we’re at – mid shake-down by my reckoning – in relation to each other. That the expression of anger or pain is a natural response but it gets to the point where we need to start doing something different with that energy, something useful, and preferably together. That listening, I mean really properly hearing and acknowledging each other’s stories is a really good place to start.

This is a convoluted way of telling you that eventually, everyone’s first-time sex stories became a book but the memory of my male interviewees lingered. There seemed so much more to say. We’d just got going. Time passed and what we think of as masculine (and feminine) has evolved even further. Fashion designers are designing garments to be worn by both women and men, modeled on runways featuring a kaleidoscope of genders. We literally have the outfit to match a new, more gender fluid world. On a deeper level, each time I talk to a young person who doesn’t really get why this is a big deal, I know something great has begun.

Eventually, I decided to ask men of different ages to talk about their sense of masculinity. To see how guys of different generations have grappled with the concept of masculinity in a world that is in constant motion. The results were published here . Naturally, being forced to reduce each of my interviewee’s epic stories into paltry 200-word sections was galling so here is an extended version of one of my favorites, Paul Apps, as he reflects on what he has observed in his 52 years of life.

Paul Apps/Aged 52

From a young age, I craved the attention, protection, and affection of an older man, a father figure. I used to bunk off and sit with the winos in the graveyard near our house. I’d take them things to eat. They’d be sober and hungover from the night before but they were my mates. They were lovely men and they were always nice to me. About midday when they started to get drunk again they’d tell me to sod off, that it was their time now.

My dad, bless him, was the youngest of 14. His brothers were freedom fighters, or terrorists depending on which way you look at it. He arrived from Ireland poor and became a carpenter and sung in a band with his back to the audience because he was so shy. That’s how he met my mum. She came to see the band and I was literally conceived that night on a chair in his mate’s kitchen.

It was just something that happened. Good Catholic boys and good Christian girls get married so they had this loveless union. I think I was always searching for connection as a result. I craved contact so I was a bastard to women and I wasn’t conscious of it until I married and my wife left me and my heart literally cracked open. It broke me. Thank god she did in a way because it opened me up. But up until that point, I honestly thought it was ok to have 5 girlfriends. That it made me more of a man.

He was a crap dad but I understand him. I am him and my younger son is me. It’s in the genes. Whatever anybody says, there is something in our DNA that is passed on from our fathers. I have a massive sense of injustice about anyone who is treated badly and that comes from my father and that was passed onto him by his father. I was gutted when he died last year. He’d left our family and gone on to have another so it was weird to watch 7 other people sobbing passionately for a man I barely knew. I found out after he’d died that he’d done some lovely stuff. He spent time helping out at soup kitchens but he never talked about it.

We are the culmination of what we’ve seen, heard, felt and touched throughout our lives and judging someone on that is the worst thing you can do. Because people are mostly not horrible by choice. It would break anyone’s heart to hear some of the gut-wrenching experiences the young men I work with have been through. But they’re living a life that to them, its normal. Just as your life is normal to you. It’s what we know.

Society is full of under-fathered males who haven’t got a clue. Our job now is to break that mould. Just because your dad worked hard and drunk and shagged a lot and never come home. I could take that road tomorrow but I take the responsibility to not do that and work on myself. So my son’s experience very little of that from me. I’m not gone. I’m present.

We are all searching for something. There’s a piece of work we do at Band of Brothers. I won’t say what but it’s emotionally intense and it culminates in screaming and shouting and what it comes down to is that everyone wants to be loved and touched and told that everything is going to be ok. That’s a primal need in every single one of us but we’re taught that big boys don’t cry. Women used to do my head in, all the questions and worrying and thinking about things that I don’t want to think about but I didn’t understand that its ok to have emotions.

I’m not gay but I love men. I can see quite easily how men can be gay. I did think at one point I could be but I tried it and no! My mates often say ‘what’s the difference between a gay man and a straight man? Seven pints’. I’ve had a few guy’s tongues down my throat late at night after a few beers. But I can’t go further than that. It just doesn’t work for me.

For me, talking about what actually makes me feel masculine is tricky because I’m masculine and feminine. I’ve got a pair of bollocks. I appear to be a man visually but I’ve got both going on and getting the balance is what it’s about. It’s more important to me to be an authentic individual, to address everyone with equal dignity. Whatever I do or wherever I go, if I keep in that space for most of the day, it’s a good one for me.

Things are changing but we’re getting a community of bleaters now. The ‘poor me, no one loves me’ guys who are not moving forward. I’m in the middle of that and I’m saying look guys, you can focus on this shit if you want. But let’s get it out. Let’s talk about it and then let’s move on.

We can change, it’s a matter of getting our thoughts connected to our emotions and managing those. I make it all sound so simple but actually, it is. You can do it if you really want to.

‘Paul Apps has worked extensively in several organisations with vulnerable young men and teenagers, supporting profound life changes and positive transformation. He now heads up a new Charity that aims to minimise the need for rough sleeping and begging in East Sussex.

*Note: people have many different definitions and interpretations of virginity loss.

What I learned from a Swedish Tantric Love Sex and Relationship Coachi – Unbound

9 Minute Read

I first met Nadja Feulner at a mixer for bisexual and bicurous women put on by our affiliates at the incomparable Skirt Club.  We were milling about over cocktails and exchanging pleasantries like everyone else when we arrived at the inevitable “so what do you do for a living?”  After ten years in New York I fancy myself rather adept at observing people and shunting them into likely categories (trustafarian, banker bro etc.) so based on Nadja’s bearing and chic attire I was anticipating she worked in fashion or the art world. What I did not anticipate was her reply “Oh, I’m a tantric sex and love coach.  Did you know women can have seven different kinds of orgasms?” Suffice to say my interest was piqued.  Nadja offers free two hour coaching sessions for prospective clients to evaluate her services

Read the full story here: What I learned from a Swedish Tantric Love Sex and Relationship Coachi – Unbound

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