Sex gets better with age. Hi, I’m Nicola Foster, as Sex and Relationship therapist I spend my working days talking about sex. I’m fortunate to have such privileged, inside insight into peoples’ sex lives. Of course, it’s a subject I’m hugely passionate about. I’m sharing here 10 of the reasons why I think that making love is something that only improves as we get older. (I had to stop and 10, I could probably get to 100!)
10 reasons sex gets better with age
One – Becoming less self-conscious
The chances are that neither of you has the firm, springy, glowing body of your youth (if you even had one!). Now, we’re older, it’s bonding to share self-consciousness about our bulges, bumps and scars. They tell the story of our life. By now you’ve also probably figured out strategies for feeling less concerned – soft lighting and candlelight do wonders don’t they?. One of my favourite techniques with a new lover is to keep a silky sarong, or soft blanket to hand to drape over myself if I feel too exposed. (Top tip: these also come in handy to caress the skin of your beloved later).
Two – Better at loving touch
If you’ve had some variety of sexual encounters over the decades, you’ve most likely learned a few different ways to touch and be touched. And you may have become more generous in giving touch so that your partner can relax and enjoy. If you’ve been alone for a while – now is the time to be curious and experimental. What does your partner like? soft, firm, slow, hard, and where? Get talking about what you like in the first stages of your arousal and what works better for you when you are more turned on? Now that I’m older I understand that each person’s body (and genitals) are completely different and they like very different things. I offer a free guide to Types of touch – get a copy here: https://www.wanting-more.com/
Three – More skills
More time on the planet means that we have had the chance to discover that lovemaking isn’t only what comes naturally (although that’s wonderful!) There are many skills and techniques we can develop from doing some research and reading about how pleasure works. Check out OMGYes, Layla May and The Wheel of Consent for ideas on how to increase your own pleasure.
Four – Saying ‘no’
Many of us when we’re young, get good at ‘going along with’, with being people pleasers. With maturity (and some tough knocks) we can get better at being able to say, no. “No, I don’t like that, but could you try this?” No is such a powerful sexual word!
Five – Saying ‘yes’
Yes, Yes, Yes. When we give our partner enthusiastic consent for what they are doing, they can relax into enjoying what they are doing more, and, hopefully, in return, we get more of what we like.
It’s a great sadness to me when I speak to young women about sex, many of them tell me they don’t say anything during sex. They don’t make any noises or use any words. ‘Good girl’ conditioning has led to a fear of being seen as too slutty or ‘forward’. It’s one of the best aspects of my job, dismantling this conditioning and encouraging more verbal enthusiasm for the innocence and joy of enjoying and loving our bodies’ responses to being touched. I hope that us older folks are more willing to let out an enthusiastic ‘hell yeah’ in bed!
Six – Deeper connection.
Often in our younger years, there’s an over-emphasis on performance. On wanting to be seen as a good lover. Wanting to get it ‘right’. Fear of getting it ‘wrong’.
Am I orgasmic enough?
Am I hard enough?
Am I wet enough?
Was it long enough?
One advantage of age is that we can discover that sex is much less about performing and much more about connecting and communicating. It’s a way of offering a loving presence to the person we’re with. We can let go of the emphasis on orgasm or a goal, and simply be with what is. What a relief, huh?
Seven – Getting experimental
If you held down a responsible job, could you have been fired for risque behaviour outside of the office? Now post-retirement, it’s the perfect time to try something wilder, kinkier, sillier, more taboo. A swingers event? A kink munch meetup? A tantra workshop? Safe in the knowledge that no one from work is going to be there and you’re not going to find yourself the subject of office gossip.
Eight – Slowing down
I’ve learned as I’ve aged and now have health issues that I need to attend to my energy levels. By the end of the working day, I’m usually pretty tired. For me. if I want to enjoy sex it needs to be during the day. I use a food metaphor when talking to clients. If you want a full three-course meal version of sex – you need to set aside a really proper amount of time for that. A whole day is a wonderful thing to do. But, a little snack size taste of sexuality can be enjoyed during the week. A 15-minute window here and there. Maybe cuddle with some caresses and touch? Some gentle genital touch in the morning? Eye gazing and fantasizing? There’s a whole smorgasbord of play that can be enjoyed in snack-size portions.
Nine – acceptance of illness.
Many, many of us contend with some level of illness that affects sexual interest and energy levels. As we get older, we learn we need to work with and adapt to the individual and unique differences in how our bodies can move or respond. Can we get curious and creative about what we can do, rather than focusing on what we can’t do? With warmth and humour it’s possible to avoid the vicious circle that so many couples get into. Check out the Netflix TV show the ‘Kominsky Method’ on NetFlix for some fantastic characters enjoying a sex life in thier seventies and eighties.
Ten – New possibilities.
Rather than seeing long-term, committed sex as mundane and monotonous – the couples who have most satisfaction see it as a voyage of discovery. Each sexual experience is like a snowflake, no two are the same. There are infinite varieties of the kinds of sex, power dynamics, toys and intimacy that we can combine. When we remain optimistic, there are always new discoveries to be made. Many older men find that their genitals are more sensitive and erogenous in the soft state. Some discover that it’s actually possible to enjoy a full-body orgasm, without ever having an erection. Check out the author Gina Ogden, ‘The Return of Desire’ on womens’ sexuality in later life.
I personally find this curiosity-based approach to exploring what’s possible endlessly fascinating. There’s a freedom in having escaped the ‘shoulds’ of societal norms and knowing our bodies so much better. What can you discover about yourself as a sexual being at 50? 60? 70? 80?. For more inspiration, I highly recommend Jack Morin’s classic book ‘The Erotic Mind’. It’s a great way to explore your sexual blueprint more deeply. We’re only just getting started! Keep in touch with me on my blog www.wanting-more.com/blog or podcast www.wanting-more.com/podcast