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Is Etiquette Dead?

5 Minute Read

I’m a swimmer. A pool swimmer. I’m proud to be part of a world – a swimmer’s world – where etiquette and codes of conduct prevail. There, at the foot of the swim lanes is a sign, Pool Rules. It’s clear and simple.

I pride myself on etiquette in and out of the pool, and thankfully there is a place I can go where civility is recognised and respected. That said, alas, lately I’ve noticed that even pool rules are being flouted and broken, and that is when I feel as if I am completely alone. A lone shark, seeking solace and a sign that etiquette is not yet dead.

I have had more than one incident of a ‘surprise sharer’ – someone who thinks nothing of getting in and starting to swim without asking – I would never share a lane without first getting a thumbs up from the person who was there first – that’s what we do! It’s a common courtesy.

Quite often, if I’m asked, I will agree to share – but please ask first. Once sharing has been established, there is no certainty that the rest of the codes of conduct will be observed. Beware of the powerhouse swimmer – who I’ve agreed to share with but who still breaststrokes across the entire lane, or freestyles so ferociously that swallowing their kick water is impossible to avoid.

Then there are the little fishes outside of the swim lanes but who seem to have a strategy to flip for fun over the ropes into the swim lane at the exact spot and at the precise moment I’m passing, resulting in near misses with precious children, and a ‘what if’ shock to my system. Contra-indicative to doing exercise for health or activity for relaxation, to say the least!

There are also, what shall we call them, lane hogs who clog up the lanes and cause traffic. Lane hogs like to think they are swimming but they are mostly taking up valuable swimming real estate. They may swim a lap, but then they stop, and stand. There’s no rhyme, no reason, there is no pattern to their process unless you call swim, stop, stand and chat a pattern. They might swim another lap, but then again, they might not. That’s not lap swimming, sorry!

I want to continue to swim, so I keep my opinions to myself for as long as possible. I have even tried going to another pool club! But there is increasing evidence on my arms and legs of lane-rope cuts and bruises from avoiding collisions with humans; audible yelping, like Dustin Hoffman in Midnight Cowboy, ‘I’m swimming here!’ which no one seems to hear. I am left feeling stunned, shocked, nearly defeated, and dare I say, invisible, what are my choices?

I do not want to be invisible. I want to be seen and heard. And I want everyone to observe the pool rules!! Why is it so difficult? I watch and I wonder, is it just me? I’m new here. I am not an influencer here. My mind spins and seeks solutions.

I spot Marilyn, and the clouds lift. Marilyn swims. She also knows and talks to everyone. She lives in both camps. She’s got all the gear – the mask and snorkel, the fins, the webbed fingers. When she’s not swimming, she gets into the pool in a full outfit, including hat, long-sleeved shirt, leggings and shoes, to walk and chat! This is a sight to see. It’s quirky, and it serves a purpose – it’s a new trend to avoid sun exposure. The sun mimics a light bulb over my head.

‘Marilyn,’ I say, ‘we should have a fashion show and you should definitely be in it.’ She laughs out loud. As one hilarious idea leads to the next, a fashion show is born – and the theme is Pool Rules.

I talk to Mikey, the entertainment director. He is cautiously enthusiastic, whatever that means. Maybe he knows something I don’t. I talk to some of the others, Sue and Donna, and they love it! They start to list some of the ridiculous rules at the club and discuss which rules should be changed. Like, NO Restaurant Food on the Top Deck. Like, the Snacks Only rule. Like, NO Wheels on Beach Bags. It’s not long before Sue and Donna have their theme – Sue will wheel Donna in as if she’s on a parade float. Their rule will be – NO Wheels on Beach Bags. And they will campaign to change it. It’s pretty wacky, and I’m not feeling so alone anymore. Together, we hatch the idea of a Pool Fashion Show and Water Escapades Show. It will be a variety show. We will involve the lifeguards, and Mikey will recruit all the young families with children. I don’t know what I’ll be wearing yet, but I will be campaigning hard for in-pool rule adherence.

At the end of the day, I sit with Donna and Sue in the cafe, and we chat further about the show. Then the mood changes; clouds descend again. Donna is concerned that this theme might expose her as a rule breaker. She is not so sure it’s a good idea. Sue and I muse, ’Oh really? What rules are you breaking?’ Donna goes quiet. Time passes. I take my cue from Sue, and I don’t press her any further. We do not get an answer. And we never do the show.

Why I Love Cold Water Swimming…

7 Minute Read

I have loved being either in or on the sea ever since I learned to swim off the sandy beach at Margate. I was four years old and these summer Sunday trips on the train from London Bridge station, were a highlight of my young urban life.

I can recall the sheer excitement of seeing the first glimpses of the shining sea, the squeals of joy as the salty air rushed up to my nostrils and the utter happiness of splashing about in the water, riding on my dad’s sandy back as he swam out and then being towed back in towards the shore. My dad encouraged to kick and swim as he confidently held me, letting go a little bit more each time until I could float and propel myself. The feeling I associate with being in the sea is one of glee. Yes, sea swimming is a really gleeful activity for me and continues to be so.

Of course, lockdown in these pandemic times has seen scores of people taking the plunge into the briny for the first time, and many of them continuing to swim through the summer into the autumn and onwards into the winter. People who are, somehow, now captivated by that increasingly popular lockdown activity –the Cold Water/Outdoor/Open Water/Wild Swim.

A great deal of attention has been given to something that – only a year ago – was the province of a relatively small group of oddballs who maybe commanded a column inch or two on New Year’s Day.

2020 saw the rise of the Outdoor Swimmer, the cataloguing of the many health and wellbeing benefits of immersion in cold (15 degrees or below) water.

Looking for an improvement in your mental health? Get in the water! Eager to strengthen your immune system? Get in the water! Want to fix whatever ails you?….. You get my drift. Open water swimming has been chronicled, critiqued and analysed from a dozen perspectives and yet, for every article written, there remains a weird mystique attached to the lets face it, the relatively uncomplicated act of getting undressed and getting wet.

This is my personal account of taking my existing relationship with the sea, one that has included scuba diving as well as swimming, to a new and unexpected level.

Cold Water

In January 2020, when the notion of a pandemic and the chaos that would ensue seemed quite preposterous to me, I found myself following a friend and local sporting hero on social media who had been swimming through the winter. She, along with a group of (mostly) women, regularly swam off our local Portsmouth beach, right through the coldest months of the year. It looked great, if slightly unhinged and I really wanted to join in. Then Covid and lockdown entered our lives and vocabulary and, for a while, I forgot about everything except trying not to catch the virus. Easter came and went and I hardly ventured outside of the house, not least because we had my elderly mum staying with us for several weeks and I became a full-time carer.

However, once mum was able to move back into her flat, I started going to the beach and found myself desperate to get into the sea. It was now the beginning of May and yes, the water was fresh!

The body has a clearly defined and well-documented response to immersion in cold water. It is, at once, an assault and an energising stimulant. Your blood pressure goes up, your breathing becomes gasps, your nerves zing and I swear you can feel your internal organs contract (well, maybe that’s just me!) But, and this is the thing, you can learn to accommodate this reaction, to acclimatize your body, to control your breathing (it really is all about the breath, the exhale), to relax your tensed muscles, to embrace the cold and then welcome it, wallow in it, love it.

All that is required is for you to be present, focused, alert and surrendered all at once.

The biggest benefit for me, in all of this, was not, however, the physical sense of wellbeing. It was the fact that, in going swimming in the sea, I was able to maintain contact – in real life – with my best friend, because she came too.

Since last May we have swum together several times a week, always socially distanced – she is a senior nurse in ICU and I am clinically extremely vulnerable. We’re both healthcare professionals (I’m retired) and we both understand the principles of infection control. The act of going swimming moved beyond mere exercise and getting some fresh air, it became more than a routine, providing a focus and structure in this chaotic and dystopian world. It has become a ritual, a celebration and an anchor.

The Process

Each swim begins the day before when we are in contact via WhatsApp, exchanging details of tide times, sea state, weather conditions and work commitments. We agree on a time to meet on the beach and then we prepare. Swim kit is packed. Swimsuit (our personal challenge is to avoid wearing a wetsuit), goggles, hats, tow-float, swim watches, towels, a flask of hot drink, hot water bottle, extra warm layers of clothing, waterproof changing robe all organised into a bag ready to go.

There is a methodical wonderfulness in the way we first wave to one another, then chatter briefly before setting onto the shingle, shedding clothes down to our swim gear and then striding – we always stride – down to the water’s edge and then walk straight in – without hesitation. I like to start jumping up and down in the water, laughing or shrieking, as the water gets deeper. I whoosh my out breath forcefully and inhale deeply, overriding my gasp reflex. It calms and strengthens me as I immerse myself to swim.

Catriona simply slips her shoulders beneath the waves and exhales. I watch the stress melt away from her dear face, the world’s biggest smile taking its place. We remain several feet apart as we swim, talk, take photos, marvel at nature, sing or cry. We keep an eye on how our hands and fingers are feeling – a loss of dexterity is an indicator that your body is pretty cold and you need to be getting out. During the summer months, we were swimming for anything up to two hours at a time. Now, in January, the water temperature is around six degrees and we manage 10-15 minutes before our fingers start to seize up and it’s time to exit.

The ritual extends to emerging from the sea, beaming and burnished, getting dried, dressed and warmed up as quickly as we can whilst continuing to bask in the heady mix of endorphins and companionship.

The Bond

We have both noticed how much we enjoy the view of the world from sea level, in the water. It is time out of time when the world and its business stands still. The water that holds us suspended in its cold depths connects us to one another. On Christmas Eve we enjoyed singing carols as we bobbed in the waves and then on Christmas day we exchanged gifts before donning novelty hats to swim in.

As I write this – I’m thinking about the swim we have planned for tomorrow. It has been a week since our last swim, Catriona’s work schedule has been punishing to say the least, and storm Cristoph laid waste to the few possibilities of getting into the water safely.

It’s okay though. The sea isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. It’ll be there tomorrow to welcome us. We’re both hoping that the water temperature will have fallen further – another boundary to push at, another day of feeling very alive.

Swimming Lessons

1 Minute Read

I am gliding through water, lap after lap, eyes open, focused on the blue line at the bottom of the pool, concentrating on my breath, the rhythmic motion of my arms and legs. At 65 years old, I have just learned to swim.

“You must promise me something,” my friend Dorothy asked that winter. We were looking forward to the first two weeks in July when we’d booked a remote cabin in northern Maine. Because summer comes late to Maine and most tourists don’t show up until August, we expected to be alone on Mooselookmeguntic, a lake that is 25 square miles around with a 132-foot maximum depth.

“I want you to spend some time improving your stroke,” she said. The summer before, another friend of hers had drowned in Mooselookmeguntic. He and his wife were enjoying a twilight swim when, suddenly, he vanished. “I don’t want to be the one to notify your daughter,” Dorothy informed me in that well-bred, ironic tone of voice I loved. She was the voice of reason.

Dorothy knew that I wasn’t a strong swimmer, but what she didn’t know was that I really couldn’t swim at all. As a timid child with indiscernible athletic ability, I cowered at the back of the crowd during Girls’ Club swimming lessons. Eventually, I advanced from polliwog (dipping my face in the water) to guppy (flailing across the width of the pool, gasping for breath), but persistently failed to pass minnow (swimming the length of the pool, through the dreaded deep end). As a teenager, I spent summers basking on beach towels and wading into the ocean up to my chest. I could fool my friends by faking a few strokes, but I always stayed close to the shore where, if I had to, I could touch bottom.

Now, so many years later, I finally felt ready to battle my bête noire. One icy January morning, as dawn broke, I drove to the gym to keep my resolution — learn to swim. At first, embarrassed, I set out to teach myself. I donned a swim cap, tight-fitting goggles, and fins; then, before easing into the shallow end of the pool, I secured a nylon flotation device around my torso. In this get-up, I looked more like the creature from the black lagoon than long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad.

Nonetheless, I threw myself into it: pumping arms, scissoring legs, twisting my head back and forth, thrashing with all my might. Of course, I had to grab the side of the pool every few strokes to catch my breath and there I was, coughing and sputtering, when a bemused lifeguard bent down and smiled at me. “I think I could help you,” he said.

The gym website advertised it as “Masters’ Swim Class,” a blatantly aspirational title. Far from masters, we were rank amateurs. My fellow students were Alice, a woman about my age who wanted to swim for exercise, and a man whose name I have forgotten, also in his 60s, whose goal was to swim a few lengths as a surprise treat for his son’s visit from Australia in August. He gave up, abruptly, after missing several lessons and suffering through the classes he did make. He had been a poor student anyway, arriving late and leaving early, begging off with excuses like a hangover, or a business call or doctor’s appointment. I see him around town from time to time, but he doesn’t recognize me without goggles and a tank suit and I am reluctant to trigger PTSD by saying hello to him.

Admittedly, my own early efforts were not much more impressive. Inspired and supported by my swim coach, Christian, a good-looking Peruvian in his late twenties, I made it one-quarter, then, gradually, halfway down the length of the pool, before collapsing, practically convulsing, where I could still stand up. The long-suffering Christian commended me and urged me on toward the deep end of the pool.

“You can do it, Jean,” he said with a hint of a Spanish accent. “You know you can.” He tried to assuage my fear of drowning with a little biology lesson. “You would have to swallow a lot of water, go down to the bottom of the pool and swallow much more water. It would take you at least 30 seconds to drown. I can jump into the pool and save you in two seconds.” Instead of dreading a watery death, I began to visualize the handsome swim coach leaping into the pool, taking me in his arms and fishing me out of the water where I would recover quickly, drenched but happy.

Eventually, I did improve. I was able to swim the full length of the pool, then back and forth for a whole lap, then several laps without stopping to suck in oxygen. I basked in the glow of success, elated by endorphins, thrilled with the marginal development of my triceps, biceps and quads. As I gained strength and endurance, Christian concentrated on my technique. “Move your body as if you were dancing — sway,” he said, demonstrating with a few poolside salsa steps. Charmed, I began to turn my shoulders and hips, just a smidge, with each stroke, and felt my body move more efficiently through the water.

Christian found a better job at another gym, but, before he left, he assured me that I was his favorite student and that he was proud of me for learning to swim at my advanced age. I missed him, but the new coach, Matt, taught high school swim teams and had a school-spirit approach that helped me through the sophomore slump I experienced after Christian’s departure. Alice and I enjoyed competing on sprints and drills to improve our strokes and kicks. We warmed up with 150 yards freestyle, 150 yards backstroke and 100 yards breaststroke. To be honest, Alice invariably won whenever we raced but I put a positive spin on defeat. This became my new goal: to swim as well as Alice. (I am still working on it.)

Matt also had a different set of metaphors for instruction. Instead of rescue fantasies and salsa dancing, he gave me prompts developed in his work with adolescents. For breaststroke, he suggested I envision a big bowl of chocolate pudding. “Reach your arms out into the bowl, scoop up some pudding and bring it back to your mouth,” he urged. It was actually a little gross to think of chocolate pudding floating in the chlorinated water and certainly not as inspiring as Christian’s salsa demonstrations. I have not yet developed a good breaststroke.

But, that summer, I went up to Mooselookmeguntic with Dorothy. We hiked, kayaked, swam and (spoiler alert) I did not drown. We read books and listened to loons at night. A bald eagle soared over our cabin every morning and every evening. Full disclosure: I never dared to swim all the way out to the raft and back. But the next fall, I signed up for the class that was no longer called Masters Swim Class but, more aptly, Adult Swim.

I had an epiphany that session. “Make the most of the glide,” Matt instructed me. “Don’t cut it short. Enjoy it. Glide as long as you can until you have to take another stroke.” As I get older, in or out of the water, it is reassuring to know that I can be propelled forward by energy already spent.

There were so many great things about learning to swim in my mid-60s.

I felt appreciated. Coaches, lifeguards, and even women I met in the locker room praised my persistence and slow, steady progress. One of the advantages of age is that you can learn something new without fear of failure. At my age, I knew I would never become a great swimmer. Olympics were not on the agenda. Triathalons were out of the question. All I wanted was to swim well enough to save myself from drowning and I appreciated myself for making the effort to do that.

I kept a commitment. Swim class started at 8 am. In the winter, I woke in the dark and trudged through snow squalls to reach the overheated locker room, then the fluorescent-lit pool room where I eased my reluctant body into the water, cold at first, but soon comfortable. On summer days, I left balmy breezes and sunshine behind for the soggy, claustrophobic atmosphere of the pool house. I showed up, paid attention, and followed instructions.

Swimming is a meditative practice. When I swim, my mind focuses on stretching, slowly moving my body through water, counting strokes, taking smooth and steady deep breaths timed to the motion of my arms and legs. I swim with my eyes wide open. I am in the present, thinking of nothing else.

Swimming is great exercise. I am exhausted after an hour of doing laps and fully self-righteous before I doze off for a post-swim nap. When I awake, I am revitalized and carry a sense of accomplishment throughout the day. Disappointingly, I haven’t lost weight (swimming makes me hungry), but I am nonetheless fitter and stronger.

Learning something new, especially a demanding sport with a complicated set of skills, is an accomplishment at any point in life, and, according to researchers, there are particular benefits to taking up a discipline like swimming at an advanced age. One recent study at the University of Texas proved that older people who learned and practiced a complicated skill also improved their memories. Other research suggests that the intense and prolonged physical exertion of an hour spent swimming may prevent cancer by slowing the decline of the telomeres, tiny caps on the end of DNA strands that tend to shorten and fray with age.

Possibly the best part of learning to swim at 65 has been getting to know myself better. I am patient and persistent. My left arm is stronger than my right arm, resulting in a tendency to drift into the next lane when I do the backstroke. I am interested in other people (some might even say nosey). It was always my curiosity — as much as my desire to postpone the next lap — that motivated me to quiz Matt and Christian on their life stories. Finally, I am realistic. At this point in my life, I am unlikely to become a master swimmer, but, one day, I may make it out to the raft.

Surprise Me

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